How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize