Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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