He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize