Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
