it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
