census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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