pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
