I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize