oh fat girl friday strikes again...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
