thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
i out mim tonsoeep
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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