Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
