The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
