remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
