I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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