God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
