So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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