I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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