I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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