I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
This is my gift to your gina
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
