I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
