Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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