We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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