i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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