you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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