Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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