i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
