So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
