You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
