I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
