At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
