Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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