about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
