My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
