and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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