I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
