i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize