We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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