Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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