I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I believe in your delicious
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
