I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
