And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I can text with my tongue
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
