I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
3 2 1 whiskey
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize