I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
