she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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