I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
