My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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