She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
