In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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