I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
