So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
