I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
