DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
